There are these little moments that I keep under lock and key in my brain. They may not seem like much {to anyone else} but to me, they are some of my most treasured possessions. I wanted to share them with you, Dad, because you are old and maybe you don't remember them : )
1. In elementary school I was elated when I made the cheer squad. I raced to the door to tell you when you got home but mom had already beat me to it. You entered the room with a big balloon that said "Congats!". It was so thoughtful and you were so excited to give it to me. That balloon didn't make it through the move from Forrest Street to Los Rogues, but it was hidden with my rock collection for quite a few years.
2. We moved to Arizona for a little bit, and then decided to move back to California. You got a job that needed to start right away and you had to leave and start work before we could all come out. The plan was clear, you would be home every other weekend to visit us until we could move out to be with you. It had only been a week since you left and I heard a "bump in the night". I came out to find you sitting at the top of the stairs. I always knew you loved us, but I didn't realize how hard it was for you to be away from us. Back then, Southwest had this deal where "friends flew for free" and you let me know that you had wanted to bring by best little friend {Rebecca Summers} out to visit me. Once again, I was reminded of how sweet and thoughtful you are.
3. Sometime in Jr. High we were out running errands and you had to stop by a fast food restaurant for a minute. The guy at the window the other day had given you too much change back and you wanted to make sure it was returned to the manager. This was not abnormal for you, but I remember thinking that I was so lucky to have a Dad who valued integrity. You have always encouraged us to do the right thing, no matter what the cost.
4. My sophomore year of high school I went {yet again} to summer camp. Each day of the week I received a post card from someone in my family. The last day, I walked up to the speaker who had announced my name for mail with a little hesitation. It was the banquet day if camp and I was all dressed up with perfect makeup and sitting next to a boy I had a massive crush on. I looked down and saw your handwriting...instantly I started to tear up. The first words were that you were "proud of me" and that teenage, insecure, kind of awkward girl needed nothing more than to hear those words from her Dad. That postcard has survived through six moves. Even in this morning, I know right where it is.
There are lots if moments from there to here that are too personal to share on a blog, moments talking about your childhood, helping me through tough decisions, being reassured that you were always on my side, talking about how much we would/do miss Gary, and doing precious things to make Mom feel special.
The best moment, though, I do want to share:
5. Right before the door opened, you turned to me with tearful eyes and said "Are you sure you still want to do this? Because if you don't, I'll march you right out of this church and I will take care of everything." I knew that you would. I have always known that you would do anything you could to protect me and that before you were about to give me away, you were still making sure I was safe. We walked into that room and down the isle, I held your arm so tight and smiled as you told me to "keep my eyes in the prize". You got an opportunity to challenge David with those powerful words "besides her mother, Anna is the most precious thing I have in this earth". Then, you gave me away. Really though, you gave me away a long time ago. You and mom always put us in the hands of the Lord and trusted Him with our lives.
Thank you for being a Dad who cares about the details and notices little things. Thank you for loving Mom so fiercely and giving us girls such a powerful example of what a leader is and what a godly marriage should look like. Thank you for your humor and wit that so often make my day just a little bit better. Thank you for choosing to live a life that is sold out for Christ. You are a rock, Dad, and I don't know many men that have as much integrity as you do. It hasn't always been easy to be your daughter, but I have always been proud to call you my Dad. I am so glad that God have us you.
I love you.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
There's a Fountain...
I cry at completely inappropriate times. I could never be an actress who delivers one of those gut-wrenching, Jane Austen worthy, Kate Winslet type of performances. I didn't cry when David proposed, at my wedding, my grandmother's funeral, or when one of my best friends walked down the isle. Here's the deal, though. I cried (sobbed really, for like a half an hour) when I watched Toy Story 3. I cried at a Civil Wars concert. I cried (well, almost) when USC lost the Bowl Championship Series to the Texas Longhorns.
There may be something wrong with me. There are moments where I feel deep agony and for some reason, I can't seem to produce one drop. The moments that I do get "misty" seem totally involuntary. Seriously, like I have no control over my body. (Side note: The whole "me-not-crying-at-the-right-times" is the rule, but it doesn't mean there aren't exceptions.)
Anyway (the point, the point, I ought to get to it eh?) I was visiting a friend's church on Sunday and in the middle of worship a girl came out to do Spoken Word. I LOVE Spoken Word. It's all about the salty/sweet combination of poetry, dynamic, and free form. As she was speaking I felt my heart actually begin to beat faster. She spoke this line "I would still rather draw, than listen." And it happened...
The floodgates opened and steady streams made their way from my tear ducts down to the bottom of my chin where I quickly whisked them away before they dropped to my chest. I wish I had every line of her masterpiece for you but basically, in that moment, her words cut straight to my core. It's about control. About the fight my flesh and mind have against the Lord. About the desire to do anything but surrender. About my creative nature that keeps me sometimes from laying down my own dreams and vision for my life. It about so much more than all of those things. But one thing I know, that line is perfectly and tragically...ME.
She went on to talk about brokenness. She spoke of handing out the shards of her life to people, to anyone. I connected with her desire to be real and transparent. I knew that she wanted to submit to the Lord no matter how humiliating it was, no matter how much it hurt. She spoke of death. Death to one's self and to the things we need to put away. She talked about starting new and fresh and clean. She ended in resurrection.
I can't explain it all perfectly. I am not even sure that I have this whole crying things figured out. But I know that in that moment, I just let it all out. I felt suffering, relief, anguish, and overwhelming beauty. I was supposed to be there in that room and to be reminded (once again) that redemption has stories to tell. That this very day is new and is an opportunity to choose life, to choose Christ. That Jesus makes beautiful things out of the ashes and that every seed dies before it grows. And, that there is so much ahead of me. The Kingdom awaits, heaven is near, Christ is the hope that never fails.
This post is a little messy (much like me) and not quite as circular as I usually like to make things. But here's the deal, it's still part of this grand and terrifying adventure that is my every day life with my Savior. It's real.
And remember, dear ones, a day is coming when every tear will be washed away.
Even the inappropriate ones.
There may be something wrong with me. There are moments where I feel deep agony and for some reason, I can't seem to produce one drop. The moments that I do get "misty" seem totally involuntary. Seriously, like I have no control over my body. (Side note: The whole "me-not-crying-at-the-right-times" is the rule, but it doesn't mean there aren't exceptions.)
Anyway (the point, the point, I ought to get to it eh?) I was visiting a friend's church on Sunday and in the middle of worship a girl came out to do Spoken Word. I LOVE Spoken Word. It's all about the salty/sweet combination of poetry, dynamic, and free form. As she was speaking I felt my heart actually begin to beat faster. She spoke this line "I would still rather draw, than listen." And it happened...
The floodgates opened and steady streams made their way from my tear ducts down to the bottom of my chin where I quickly whisked them away before they dropped to my chest. I wish I had every line of her masterpiece for you but basically, in that moment, her words cut straight to my core. It's about control. About the fight my flesh and mind have against the Lord. About the desire to do anything but surrender. About my creative nature that keeps me sometimes from laying down my own dreams and vision for my life. It about so much more than all of those things. But one thing I know, that line is perfectly and tragically...ME.
She went on to talk about brokenness. She spoke of handing out the shards of her life to people, to anyone. I connected with her desire to be real and transparent. I knew that she wanted to submit to the Lord no matter how humiliating it was, no matter how much it hurt. She spoke of death. Death to one's self and to the things we need to put away. She talked about starting new and fresh and clean. She ended in resurrection.
I can't explain it all perfectly. I am not even sure that I have this whole crying things figured out. But I know that in that moment, I just let it all out. I felt suffering, relief, anguish, and overwhelming beauty. I was supposed to be there in that room and to be reminded (once again) that redemption has stories to tell. That this very day is new and is an opportunity to choose life, to choose Christ. That Jesus makes beautiful things out of the ashes and that every seed dies before it grows. And, that there is so much ahead of me. The Kingdom awaits, heaven is near, Christ is the hope that never fails.
This post is a little messy (much like me) and not quite as circular as I usually like to make things. But here's the deal, it's still part of this grand and terrifying adventure that is my every day life with my Savior. It's real.
And remember, dear ones, a day is coming when every tear will be washed away.
Even the inappropriate ones.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Hacked!
My personal space has totally been violated. My privacy ignored and my "rights" done away with. It's irritating. And yet, the most wonderfully, freeing, thing. I am so thankful that Jesus chooses to consume me, every single part.
It's beautiful (and rare) those near "autopilot" moments where I know that the Holy Spirit totally has control and all I have to do is be a vessel. There are these precious instances where I respond in a certain way (both in my heart and with my actions) and think to myself "There is no way this is the work of Anna Quinn...I would have totally screwed this up".
Jesus, thanks for hacking my heart and continuing to reboot and update this humbled heart. I want more of YOU and less of me.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.
It's beautiful (and rare) those near "autopilot" moments where I know that the Holy Spirit totally has control and all I have to do is be a vessel. There are these precious instances where I respond in a certain way (both in my heart and with my actions) and think to myself "There is no way this is the work of Anna Quinn...I would have totally screwed this up".
Jesus, thanks for hacking my heart and continuing to reboot and update this humbled heart. I want more of YOU and less of me.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Identity Crisis
It's so funny how quickly we can find identity in something. I was talking with a girlfriend the other day about a tv show and I exclaimed {enthusiastically} "That is MY show!". Really? A program on television? I actually attached something so minute to the essence of my being, to my identity.
Here are a few things that I have found my identity in over the last few years:
1. I am a newlywed
2. I am married to a man who works at Children's Hunger Fund
3. I work at Clover
4. I am a barista
5. I am a hairstylist
6. I am a daughter who is living far away from her family
7. I live in Simi Valley {specifically the West Side}
8. I attend Cornerstone Church
9. I am a singer/songwriter
10. I am in a constant state of transition
Those are all good things {well, most of them}. Those are all TRUE things. But those things do not make up who I am. They don't effect my standing in eternity. They didn't save my soul. And they certainly won't last forever.
A few weeks ago, David was laid off at Children's Hunger Fund. He was there for 9 years. I will be honest, this has been so hard for us. At the end of the day {even with all the good and bad that jobs bring into our lives} it was something that we were a part of, and we are mourning the loss. BUT, it should not shake our foundation. It's not who we are. And it would have been wrong for us to make it more than it really was. It was a temporary job on this planet that we temporarily call home.
Still, how often did I find my identity in the fact that my husband worked for a christian non-profit? I could go on and on about ways that I need to re-focus and remember that it's not about WHAT I find my identity in. But, I just want to end with a few things that the God WHO my identity should be found in has told me:
1. I am God's child. (John 1:21)
2. I have been redeemed and forgiven. (Colossians 1:13-14)
3. I am complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:9-10)
4. I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. (Romans 8:28)
5. I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. (Philippians 1:6)
6. I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Ephesians 3:12)
7. I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7 )
8. I am free from condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
9.I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:17)
10. This world is not my home. (Philippians 3:20)
Amen?
Here are a few things that I have found my identity in over the last few years:
1. I am a newlywed
2. I am married to a man who works at Children's Hunger Fund
3. I work at Clover
4. I am a barista
5. I am a hairstylist
6. I am a daughter who is living far away from her family
7. I live in Simi Valley {specifically the West Side}
8. I attend Cornerstone Church
9. I am a singer/songwriter
10. I am in a constant state of transition
Those are all good things {well, most of them}. Those are all TRUE things. But those things do not make up who I am. They don't effect my standing in eternity. They didn't save my soul. And they certainly won't last forever.
A few weeks ago, David was laid off at Children's Hunger Fund. He was there for 9 years. I will be honest, this has been so hard for us. At the end of the day {even with all the good and bad that jobs bring into our lives} it was something that we were a part of, and we are mourning the loss. BUT, it should not shake our foundation. It's not who we are. And it would have been wrong for us to make it more than it really was. It was a temporary job on this planet that we temporarily call home.
Still, how often did I find my identity in the fact that my husband worked for a christian non-profit? I could go on and on about ways that I need to re-focus and remember that it's not about WHAT I find my identity in. But, I just want to end with a few things that the God WHO my identity should be found in has told me:
1. I am God's child. (John 1:21)
2. I have been redeemed and forgiven. (Colossians 1:13-14)
3. I am complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:9-10)
4. I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. (Romans 8:28)
5. I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. (Philippians 1:6)
6. I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Ephesians 3:12)
7. I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7 )
8. I am free from condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
9.I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:17)
10. This world is not my home. (Philippians 3:20)
Amen?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Green Wedding Shoes
Hey everyone! If you saw my work on Green Wedding Shoes and would like to see more, please follow me to my online portfolio. This is more of a personal blog that does not have my work on it. Hope you enjoy!
I am launching my new website July 15th! Can't wait!
Click HERE to see my Carbon Made portfolio.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Some Semblance
Some things I want:
Peace {the kind that passeth understanding}
A million dollar gift certificate to Anthropologie
To be debt free
Lola by Marc Jacobs
My family {all in the same place, at the same time}
To loose 30 pounds
Benefit Posie Tint Face Highlighter
A car of my very own
A tatoo
Authenticity
Someone to organize my bedroom
A baby
Sundresses
To be David's best friend
Think I want more than anything else:
To look a little more {even just the slightest bit more} like Jesus today, than I did yesterday
To move forward
Courage
Purity of heart
Peace {the kind that passeth understanding}
A million dollar gift certificate to Anthropologie
To be debt free
Lola by Marc Jacobs
My family {all in the same place, at the same time}
To loose 30 pounds
Benefit Posie Tint Face Highlighter
A car of my very own
A tatoo
Authenticity
Someone to organize my bedroom
A baby
Sundresses
To be David's best friend
Think I want more than anything else:
To look a little more {even just the slightest bit more} like Jesus today, than I did yesterday
To move forward
Courage
Purity of heart
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Kicking and Screaming
Sometimes He drags us there. Even though we pitch a fit, He {graciously} takes us by the shirt and says "I win, let's go."
I mean really, when was the last time that you laid down your weapons and chose not to fight. I rarely say to the Lord "Hey, I want to surrender to you, right now, the first time you ask me to." For some reason there is this burning in me, this pride, this rebellious heart that won't quit.
I think I am more aggressive than I care to admit. I have war in my blood. I'm feisty, scrappy even. My poor {sweet} husband must lay his head down at night and wonder if he will every be able to tell me anything without me freaking out. I can be a bit of a basket case. I don't like to be told what to do. I don't like to be wrong. And I certainly don't like it when I feel that I am not fully heard. I mean come on, who wouldn't want my "two cents", right?
WRONG.
There is this sweetness to meekness that I have not yet attained. I know that I will not ever be a push over or a "doll". I am not sure anyone has ever described me as "gentle". But I know that I could stand to give up and give in a lot more than I do. I will survive, even if I was not able to get my point across. I want {so badly} to be obedient. Simple obedience is so beautiful and admirable. It is such a pure response to our merciful Savior. He asks and I obey. No fight, no struggle, no kicking and screaming. I know He will be faithful to bend and break me until I form into what He wants me to be, where He wants me to go. But I long for the day that {by the power of the Holy Spirit} I just surrender, the first time.
Today I am thanking Jesus for my dear friend, Dave. We just had the most encouraging conversation. I could hear the hope in his voice. I could sense the surrender. His tone was different, his words, his well communicated heart. It was almost a dream. He has been a friend of mine for half of my life and I treasure him immensely. {But} I was not sure that He would ever be able to give up certain things in his life. Guess what? He did. He simply, painfully, wonderfully, and powerfully obeyed. I am sure there was a little kicking and screaming : ) But, he gave up his fight AGAINST the Lord and chose to take up his cross and fight FOR the things that are right. I am stoked, humbled, and challenged.
I am willing to fight to not be such a fighter anymore. Paradoxical I know, but hopefully you understand. Wishing you all a little PEACE. Love you much.
I mean really, when was the last time that you laid down your weapons and chose not to fight. I rarely say to the Lord "Hey, I want to surrender to you, right now, the first time you ask me to." For some reason there is this burning in me, this pride, this rebellious heart that won't quit.
I think I am more aggressive than I care to admit. I have war in my blood. I'm feisty, scrappy even. My poor {sweet} husband must lay his head down at night and wonder if he will every be able to tell me anything without me freaking out. I can be a bit of a basket case. I don't like to be told what to do. I don't like to be wrong. And I certainly don't like it when I feel that I am not fully heard. I mean come on, who wouldn't want my "two cents", right?
WRONG.
There is this sweetness to meekness that I have not yet attained. I know that I will not ever be a push over or a "doll". I am not sure anyone has ever described me as "gentle". But I know that I could stand to give up and give in a lot more than I do. I will survive, even if I was not able to get my point across. I want {so badly} to be obedient. Simple obedience is so beautiful and admirable. It is such a pure response to our merciful Savior. He asks and I obey. No fight, no struggle, no kicking and screaming. I know He will be faithful to bend and break me until I form into what He wants me to be, where He wants me to go. But I long for the day that {by the power of the Holy Spirit} I just surrender, the first time.
Today I am thanking Jesus for my dear friend, Dave. We just had the most encouraging conversation. I could hear the hope in his voice. I could sense the surrender. His tone was different, his words, his well communicated heart. It was almost a dream. He has been a friend of mine for half of my life and I treasure him immensely. {But} I was not sure that He would ever be able to give up certain things in his life. Guess what? He did. He simply, painfully, wonderfully, and powerfully obeyed. I am sure there was a little kicking and screaming : ) But, he gave up his fight AGAINST the Lord and chose to take up his cross and fight FOR the things that are right. I am stoked, humbled, and challenged.
I am willing to fight to not be such a fighter anymore. Paradoxical I know, but hopefully you understand. Wishing you all a little PEACE. Love you much.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sappy
Hudson Taylor said something about being the vine and the branches that I like. It's a common metaphor that we have all heard, that Christ is the vine and we are the branches (And if you went to church growing up like I did you would end that with the lyric "His banner over me is love"). But good 'ol Hudson takes it to another level. He says that he doesn't want to just go after the sap of the tree. He doesn't want to just squeeze everything out of Christ. He wants to abide in Christ. He wants to be the tree, to be like the tree.
I love it. I absolutely love it. I confess that even when I don't know I am doing it, I am often looking for the bi-products of Christ rather than Christ himself. I want peace, truth, direction, comfort, love, wisdom, and bunch of other "good" things. And I cannot let that be my motivation for approaching the throne of God, for my day to day life, for His Kingdom. Give me Jesus. I just need Jesus. First. Foremost.
I love it. I absolutely love it. I confess that even when I don't know I am doing it, I am often looking for the bi-products of Christ rather than Christ himself. I want peace, truth, direction, comfort, love, wisdom, and bunch of other "good" things. And I cannot let that be my motivation for approaching the throne of God, for my day to day life, for His Kingdom. Give me Jesus. I just need Jesus. First. Foremost.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Heart Note #2
My friend Nicole is a treasure. I have known her casually for about 5 years now, but she and I recently began building a deeper relationship. I trust her. She is someone that I want to share deep things with because I know that she cares about me, but more importantly, she cares that i am right with the Lord. She encouraged me to write and journal more. Both her and I can type faster than we can write so sometimes blogging is easier. I like to share my blogs on my Facebook, but I think I am going to stop doing that. This will be a little more of a digital journal. Nicole kind of does that with hers. She is SO brave. I want to be brave, real, and transparent like she is. So, here goes nothing...
I have this little heart ache that goes with me everywhere. Although it is surrounded by the joy and certainty of God's sovereignty, it is an ache none the less. I want to have a baby. Real bad. I have always wanted children and pictured a big family in my life. David and I have been "trying" to have kids since we got married. No luck so far. I know it's only been a little over two years and that many women have struggled with infertility for a lot longer than this. I don't meant to make light of anyone's pain or compare mine to theirs. But this still hurts.
I have had a few tests and due to my hormone levels and temperature charts (that I have arduously kept track of) by doctor thinks that I rarely ovulate, if at all. I know diet and hormone treatments can help, but before I go any further, I have been needing to work this out with the Lord.
So, here are a few confessions:
1. I thought that having children would bring purpose to my life. More purpose than what God has already blessed me with.
2. I thought having children might bring David and I closer and in a way, was waiting for that to happen instead of faithfully
working on my marriage right now.
3. I have been jealous of other women that get pregnant and it has been hard to be happy for them. Then I get mad at myself that
I am jealous and that I even have to deal with the ugly green emotion in the first place.
4. I thought maybe God was not giving me children because he was punishing me for my sins.
My mom shared a verse from Isaiah with me the last time I visited Washington: "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD."
I know that verse is directed towards single women and widows, but it still very much resonated with my soul. My mom told me that she knows that even if I don't have physical children of my own, the Lord will give me many spiritual children. This verse is a promise. The Lord commands the barren women to sing and shout for joy. I was just not sure that I could do that. And after reading my confessions, you probably see all the reasons why "bursting into song" was not at the top of my spiritual "To Do" list. But man, oh man, was I wrong. God told me to rejoice and to trust Him. He has been shattering all of those wrong perceptions about Him that I had. He has been saying "Kiddo, I love you, and I don't operate the way you think I do. I give you GOOD gifts, remember?"
I believe that God gives good gifts. I believe that He will give me children whether they are from my womb, adopted, or spiritual. I am not going to say that those beliefs always anchor my emotions, but I will say that they are the light that guides me home. Home to my Savior's arms where He holds me while I cry when it get's too hard to be string. Home where I stop fighting for the things I want and start relying on the Holy Spirit to help me fight against the enemy and my flesh. Home where I have my heart set on what happens next, knowing that His love is greater than life and that eternity is mine.
This is the bravest thing I have every written. Thank you for reading it and please be in prayer as Jesus and I continue to work things out in this area. I am providing a link to a song that I wrote. It's not finished and shows the short extent of my Garage Band and iMovie skills, but I felt like I was supposed to share it with you anyway.
Thank you for reading, I love you and I am blessed by your faithfulness to be a part of my life. I wanted to say a special thank you to:
Nicole- your last post inspired this one
Blythe- you are incredibly compassionate towards me and have been a huge comfort and encouragement specifically in this area
Mary Beth- thank you for always listening, checking in on how I am doing, and for great health advice
Susan- your text the other day was priceless to me, you know me so well
Diana-you are a treasure to me and definitely a great example of a spiritual mother
Hannah- you have done a great job at being preggo and my roomie
Emmy- you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for. thanks for all the ways you support me and hold me accountable
Jill- my health food guru, fun-loving friend, and source of encouragement...thank you!
Morgan (Moogie) I don't know how I would have made it through these last two years without you
Mama- nope, there's no words, just tears of gratitude
Here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeNOaq2FaLE
I have this little heart ache that goes with me everywhere. Although it is surrounded by the joy and certainty of God's sovereignty, it is an ache none the less. I want to have a baby. Real bad. I have always wanted children and pictured a big family in my life. David and I have been "trying" to have kids since we got married. No luck so far. I know it's only been a little over two years and that many women have struggled with infertility for a lot longer than this. I don't meant to make light of anyone's pain or compare mine to theirs. But this still hurts.
I have had a few tests and due to my hormone levels and temperature charts (that I have arduously kept track of) by doctor thinks that I rarely ovulate, if at all. I know diet and hormone treatments can help, but before I go any further, I have been needing to work this out with the Lord.
So, here are a few confessions:
1. I thought that having children would bring purpose to my life. More purpose than what God has already blessed me with.
2. I thought having children might bring David and I closer and in a way, was waiting for that to happen instead of faithfully
working on my marriage right now.
3. I have been jealous of other women that get pregnant and it has been hard to be happy for them. Then I get mad at myself that
I am jealous and that I even have to deal with the ugly green emotion in the first place.
4. I thought maybe God was not giving me children because he was punishing me for my sins.
My mom shared a verse from Isaiah with me the last time I visited Washington: "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD."
I know that verse is directed towards single women and widows, but it still very much resonated with my soul. My mom told me that she knows that even if I don't have physical children of my own, the Lord will give me many spiritual children. This verse is a promise. The Lord commands the barren women to sing and shout for joy. I was just not sure that I could do that. And after reading my confessions, you probably see all the reasons why "bursting into song" was not at the top of my spiritual "To Do" list. But man, oh man, was I wrong. God told me to rejoice and to trust Him. He has been shattering all of those wrong perceptions about Him that I had. He has been saying "Kiddo, I love you, and I don't operate the way you think I do. I give you GOOD gifts, remember?"
I believe that God gives good gifts. I believe that He will give me children whether they are from my womb, adopted, or spiritual. I am not going to say that those beliefs always anchor my emotions, but I will say that they are the light that guides me home. Home to my Savior's arms where He holds me while I cry when it get's too hard to be string. Home where I stop fighting for the things I want and start relying on the Holy Spirit to help me fight against the enemy and my flesh. Home where I have my heart set on what happens next, knowing that His love is greater than life and that eternity is mine.
This is the bravest thing I have every written. Thank you for reading it and please be in prayer as Jesus and I continue to work things out in this area. I am providing a link to a song that I wrote. It's not finished and shows the short extent of my Garage Band and iMovie skills, but I felt like I was supposed to share it with you anyway.
Thank you for reading, I love you and I am blessed by your faithfulness to be a part of my life. I wanted to say a special thank you to:
Nicole- your last post inspired this one
Blythe- you are incredibly compassionate towards me and have been a huge comfort and encouragement specifically in this area
Mary Beth- thank you for always listening, checking in on how I am doing, and for great health advice
Susan- your text the other day was priceless to me, you know me so well
Diana-you are a treasure to me and definitely a great example of a spiritual mother
Hannah- you have done a great job at being preggo and my roomie
Emmy- you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for. thanks for all the ways you support me and hold me accountable
Jill- my health food guru, fun-loving friend, and source of encouragement...thank you!
Morgan (Moogie) I don't know how I would have made it through these last two years without you
Mama- nope, there's no words, just tears of gratitude
Here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeNOaq2FaLE
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
West Coast Honeys
Well, it never gets easier. I have been married for a little over two years now. My parents have lived in Washington for about four years. My sisters and I are not scattered up and down the coast. Abigail is a senior at San Diego Christian College in El Cajon, San Diego. Amy is about to finish her second year at Ecola Bible College in Cannon Beach, Oregon and Allison is a senior in high school in Port Angeles, Washington. I always miss them, but today I was missing them extra bad. So I decided to write them a little love note.
Dear Sisters,
It never gets easier. No matter how busy I am, how many dear friends the Lord blesses me with, how many songs I play on repeat or movies I watch to distract me...it never gets easier to be away from you. Besides my husband, you are the most precious things to me on this planet. I am crazy about you, pray for you, admire you, fight for you, cheer you on, write songs for you, brag about you, and think about you every day.
Abigail, you are my rock. Even though these last few years have drastically changed our relationship, I know that some things will always stay the same. I have always wanted to be like you. You are so driven and faithful. You have stayed on this path and run so hard after Jesus, more than most people I know. I love the way you make "friends for life" and that you don't ever give up on anyone. Thank you for always extending grace to me and choosing to see me in the best light. Your dreams blow me away and your character is so honorable. Your strength is astounding yet simple, and your are simply amazing. I love you.
Amy (Ames) my boom chicka. You sure know how to light up a room. It's not just your jaw dropping smile or that you are smok'in hott. It's the way you make each person you come in contact with feel special. People really know your love for them and I know that people have seen Christ in you and chosen to follow after Him. You see the world in such a beautiful way and I love how you express it in your art. Everything about you is art, from the way you throw your hair up in the morning to the way you treat your relationships with the same care and precision that you put into your paintings. You are creating something so beautiful with your life, my little spirit-filled wonder. I am better because I know you, most people are. I love you.
Allison, you are a thing to behold. Those times in PA when you would come home from school, plop down on my bed, and go on and on about your day are some of my most treasured times. I was so honored that your considered me a confidant, your thoughts are pure gold to me Allison. I love the way you feel everything in your life so fully. Your courage is so honoring to the Lord, the way you are not afraid to be real and vulnerable. Whether we are painting the town red or sipping lattes at Bella's...you make each moment last. You are growing in so many ways and facing so much adversity head on. You are blooming, Allison, and the world has no idea what they are in for. My brave one, my muse, my baby sister...I love you.
If you see my Mom and Dad anytime soon, tell them what a great job they have done in parenting us. I am so grateful to them for the home they created for us and for bringing my favorite people into the world.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Forget Me Not
I get a bad cold/flu about once a year. The kind of cold where I am not leaving my bed unless A) Christ returns or B) Regina Spektor showed up at my doorstep.
About 3ish years ago, when David and I were dating, I got one of these killer colds. I actually cancelled a date which I am surprised I mustered up the self control to do because I was so ridiculously smitten with him. Later that day I was woken up by someone ringing the doorbell. At the risk of it being Jesus, or Regina Spektor, I answered the door. There was some stranger standing there with flowers and they asked me to sign a piece of paper. I brought the vase inside and set it on the counter. I assumed it was flowers for Tinna (my roomie with the uber romantic boyfriend). I started to walk back down the hall when I though to myself, "Self, you should check and see who those are for."
The tag read "Anna, I am praying that you feel better and can't wait to see you again."- or something spiritually romantic like that. I got up on the counter and just stared at the flowers. In a daze, actually, because the sinus pressure in my head was blurring my vision. I could not smell the flowers and I don't even remember what kind they were. For all I know, they were carnations. But it didn't matter, they were mine. And they were from a man that I adored. Someone sent me flowers. I had never been sent flowers before. I was absolutely ecstatic. It's pretty hard to make a sick girl feel on top of the world, but he did.
I married that man and he is currently quarantined to the guest room where he is coughing his lungs out. Oh how I love that snotty husband of mine. Still, I love him still. And I was just thinking about the little things that he does that make a huge difference in my life.
About 3ish years ago, when David and I were dating, I got one of these killer colds. I actually cancelled a date which I am surprised I mustered up the self control to do because I was so ridiculously smitten with him. Later that day I was woken up by someone ringing the doorbell. At the risk of it being Jesus, or Regina Spektor, I answered the door. There was some stranger standing there with flowers and they asked me to sign a piece of paper. I brought the vase inside and set it on the counter. I assumed it was flowers for Tinna (my roomie with the uber romantic boyfriend). I started to walk back down the hall when I though to myself, "Self, you should check and see who those are for."
The tag read "Anna, I am praying that you feel better and can't wait to see you again."- or something spiritually romantic like that. I got up on the counter and just stared at the flowers. In a daze, actually, because the sinus pressure in my head was blurring my vision. I could not smell the flowers and I don't even remember what kind they were. For all I know, they were carnations. But it didn't matter, they were mine. And they were from a man that I adored. Someone sent me flowers. I had never been sent flowers before. I was absolutely ecstatic. It's pretty hard to make a sick girl feel on top of the world, but he did.
I married that man and he is currently quarantined to the guest room where he is coughing his lungs out. Oh how I love that snotty husband of mine. Still, I love him still. And I was just thinking about the little things that he does that make a huge difference in my life.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Heart Note #1
sparse/spärs/
1. Thinly dispersed or scattered.
2. Austere; meager.
"Scattered" doesn't really do it justice. "Thin", well, that is getting closer and "meager" that seems to almost describe it. There is this looming feeling that I have had for a few months now. I know that part of it is that I am genuinely heartbroken over a few areas of my life, things within me and around me. It's not dramatic, it's the truth. I know that even when I gear up and sing songs of joy and smile wide and meditate on God's word....I still feel a little crushed.
Looking over blog posts and journal entries I know that God is teaching me so many wonderful things and really moving me forward. But I also know that I may be trying to do so many things on my own. Self realization does not always equal spiritual revelation. I think I need to remember that even in all my "meager" yearnings to be better, stronger, brighter...it's vanity if it's not Christ driven and spirit filled.
a·bun·dant/əˈbÉ™ndÉ™nt/
1. Existing or available in large quantities; plentiful.
2. Having plenty of something
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I came that you may have life, and have it
abundantly."
Something, or some things have been stealing life from me lately. I know what some of them are, some are still to be pointed out. But none of these things can match what Christ brings and gives. I know that life can be abundant. I know that I do not have to settle for "sparse".
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Twenty Four
Switchfoot has this amazing song called "Twenty Four". I have no idea if Jon Foreman wrote it when he was 24 or if he was referring more to the hours in a day, and I don't really care. I have taken a lot from this song and on this eve of my 24th birthday, I am drawing from it once again.
There is this line in the song that says: "You're raising the dead in me, oh oh I am this second man now." Here I am, once again thanking God for the "second man" (well...woman) that I am. I am another year older and another year wiser. Another year closer to Christ and farther away from the person I was before I knew him. And I still have a long way to go!
This has been a tough but rewarding year. So many friends have moved away, I got a full-time job, left that job for a part time job, struggled with health issues, went to Thailand, moved apartments, and did plenty more that is too much to tell. I have also been really missing my family. If i am honest, I have been thinking a little too much about my regrets and dwelling on things that I should. Sometimes I just want to stop this train (and get off and go home again). I want to go back to my house on Los Rogues in Saugus and walk in the door to find my family there. I want to snuggle up on my mom's lap and not worry about a thing. I think this is the first year of my life that I have wanted to just go back in time. It's strange.
But, I move forward. I know where my home is. I know who I am and where I belong. I know that even though I sometimes miss what was familiar and comfortable, I am 5 minutes away from bring 24...and I would not trade being right here and right now for anything. And praise God! He is raising the dead in me and making me more like Him.
If you want to listen the Twenty Four song you can do so HERE.
There is this line in the song that says: "You're raising the dead in me, oh oh I am this second man now." Here I am, once again thanking God for the "second man" (well...woman) that I am. I am another year older and another year wiser. Another year closer to Christ and farther away from the person I was before I knew him. And I still have a long way to go!
This has been a tough but rewarding year. So many friends have moved away, I got a full-time job, left that job for a part time job, struggled with health issues, went to Thailand, moved apartments, and did plenty more that is too much to tell. I have also been really missing my family. If i am honest, I have been thinking a little too much about my regrets and dwelling on things that I should. Sometimes I just want to stop this train (and get off and go home again). I want to go back to my house on Los Rogues in Saugus and walk in the door to find my family there. I want to snuggle up on my mom's lap and not worry about a thing. I think this is the first year of my life that I have wanted to just go back in time. It's strange.
But, I move forward. I know where my home is. I know who I am and where I belong. I know that even though I sometimes miss what was familiar and comfortable, I am 5 minutes away from bring 24...and I would not trade being right here and right now for anything. And praise God! He is raising the dead in me and making me more like Him.
If you want to listen the Twenty Four song you can do so HERE.
Friday, November 19, 2010
ZOE means "Life"
Thailand was AMAZING! I will never be the same. I don't think anyone can ever be the same after looking into the smile of a bright and beautiful orphan who has been rescued from sex slavery and adopted into the Lord's family. My heart was completely moved. I am not even sure where it resides in my body anymore but I know it is beating wildly!
For those of you who don't know, David and I had the extreme honor of being a part of a donor trip to Thailand with Children's Hunger Fund where my husband works. If you don't know about CHF you can learn more here: We were there for a number of reasons but the highlight for me was that we were able to spend time with ZOE international . They are an organization that desires to further the gospel in the 10/40 window and they care for orphans in Thailand, many of whom have been abused. This is what Yale Global has to say about Thailand:
"Trafficking and prostitution is grave concern in Thailand. Girls usually between the ages of ten and twenty are tricked , kidnapped or otherwise hired from their homes by "brokers" representing a brothel or prostitution network and brought to urban areas to serve as prostitutes, receiving little or no wages for their work. New girls are beaten, raped and forced serve a chain of clients from morning till night until they finally bow to submission and stop objecting or attempting to escape. Estimates on the number of women in prostitution range from 300,000 to 2.8 million, of which a third are minors."
It was so heartbreaking to face the reality that things like this really happen in the world. At the same time, it was so encouraging to see an organization that is stepping out in total faith and fighting for these kids as well as caring for their spiritual and physical needs. The children and staff at Zoe are one big, happy, family that the Lord has set apart for great things. Praise our God! He does so many great things!
Here are a few things that the Lord really laid on m heart in Thailand. I carry them back and ask that you would hold me accountable to applying them to my life:
1. I have the power of the Holy Spirit and there is no excuse for me to be weak and complacent. ZOE has a bible school program and the students wake up every morning at 5am and spend an hour in prayer and an hour reading the bible. The fruit of their labor is SO evident. They are truly some of the most godly men and women I have ever met. One of them, a Burmese beauty named Grace, left such a sweet taste in the mouth of all who she interacted with. She was praying and fasting for the election in Burma, she was so broken over the injustice and the safety of her family. I could go on and on about these students but the point is that the Lord was saying "You have every opportunity to be just like them as they try to be just like me.". They sacrifice their sleep and time to be nearer to the Lord and He is making them more and more holy every day. I want that in my life. I NEED that in my life. Operation "Pray More Read More" has commenced. Want to join me? I need some partners to strive with me!
2. I love my husband and need to love him better. He is such a blessing to me. David Quinn is the most honest man I know and it is such a gift that i can completely trust the heart of my husband. I know that he loves God so much and that he wants to see the Kingdom grow. I need to be nicer to him. I need to clean my house more because that is one way I can love him better. I need to try harder and do the sweet things that I did when we were dating. He is so worthy of my time and sacrifice and I need to stop being a selfish brat.
3. I need to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. I cannot think of a more worthy thing to do with my life. I know what true religion is, and I know that they are so many ways that I can be caring for widows and orphans IN THEIR DISTRESS. I know, and have learned more, about the great distress many of these orphans are in. If i had my way, I would move to Thailand next week and start working for Zoe. I really would. We are praying about the idea of moving to Thailand very seriously and we would love your prayers! I also just want to challenge you all and say that you can't just do nothing about the sex slavery that is going on in the world. I don't know how the Lord will lead you to make a contribution and what that will look like. But we are all too informed and priviledged to do nothing. Please please please get more informed and figure out how you are going to fight for them!
I love you all so much and I am so excited to be writing again and sharing my heart with you. Hope you enjoy the pictures! Oh, and if you want to know more about Thailand and Zoe please contact me!
David and I at the Elephant Camp:
Visiting the hill tribe pastors, Grace is on the right:
Our evangelism team in the hill tribe. We got to give out CHF food paks and talk to the villagers. The maturity of these students blew me away!
Inside a villager's home:
This kid took a picture of me with his cell phone. Yes, there is cell phone reception way up in the mountains of Thailand : )
The ZOE worhsip team. We sang "Mighty to Save" and I believed it like I never have before.
One of my favorite girls. She was a fire-cracker. reminded me of my sister Allison:
This little boy was hiding in the mats so he did not have to clean up. I caught him! : )
Saying goodbye to our ZOE family:
For those of you who don't know, David and I had the extreme honor of being a part of a donor trip to Thailand with Children's Hunger Fund where my husband works. If you don't know about CHF you can learn more here: We were there for a number of reasons but the highlight for me was that we were able to spend time with ZOE international . They are an organization that desires to further the gospel in the 10/40 window and they care for orphans in Thailand, many of whom have been abused. This is what Yale Global has to say about Thailand:
"Trafficking and prostitution is grave concern in Thailand. Girls usually between the ages of ten and twenty are tricked , kidnapped or otherwise hired from their homes by "brokers" representing a brothel or prostitution network and brought to urban areas to serve as prostitutes, receiving little or no wages for their work. New girls are beaten, raped and forced serve a chain of clients from morning till night until they finally bow to submission and stop objecting or attempting to escape. Estimates on the number of women in prostitution range from 300,000 to 2.8 million, of which a third are minors."
It was so heartbreaking to face the reality that things like this really happen in the world. At the same time, it was so encouraging to see an organization that is stepping out in total faith and fighting for these kids as well as caring for their spiritual and physical needs. The children and staff at Zoe are one big, happy, family that the Lord has set apart for great things. Praise our God! He does so many great things!
Here are a few things that the Lord really laid on m heart in Thailand. I carry them back and ask that you would hold me accountable to applying them to my life:
1. I have the power of the Holy Spirit and there is no excuse for me to be weak and complacent. ZOE has a bible school program and the students wake up every morning at 5am and spend an hour in prayer and an hour reading the bible. The fruit of their labor is SO evident. They are truly some of the most godly men and women I have ever met. One of them, a Burmese beauty named Grace, left such a sweet taste in the mouth of all who she interacted with. She was praying and fasting for the election in Burma, she was so broken over the injustice and the safety of her family. I could go on and on about these students but the point is that the Lord was saying "You have every opportunity to be just like them as they try to be just like me.". They sacrifice their sleep and time to be nearer to the Lord and He is making them more and more holy every day. I want that in my life. I NEED that in my life. Operation "Pray More Read More" has commenced. Want to join me? I need some partners to strive with me!
2. I love my husband and need to love him better. He is such a blessing to me. David Quinn is the most honest man I know and it is such a gift that i can completely trust the heart of my husband. I know that he loves God so much and that he wants to see the Kingdom grow. I need to be nicer to him. I need to clean my house more because that is one way I can love him better. I need to try harder and do the sweet things that I did when we were dating. He is so worthy of my time and sacrifice and I need to stop being a selfish brat.
3. I need to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. I cannot think of a more worthy thing to do with my life. I know what true religion is, and I know that they are so many ways that I can be caring for widows and orphans IN THEIR DISTRESS. I know, and have learned more, about the great distress many of these orphans are in. If i had my way, I would move to Thailand next week and start working for Zoe. I really would. We are praying about the idea of moving to Thailand very seriously and we would love your prayers! I also just want to challenge you all and say that you can't just do nothing about the sex slavery that is going on in the world. I don't know how the Lord will lead you to make a contribution and what that will look like. But we are all too informed and priviledged to do nothing. Please please please get more informed and figure out how you are going to fight for them!
I love you all so much and I am so excited to be writing again and sharing my heart with you. Hope you enjoy the pictures! Oh, and if you want to know more about Thailand and Zoe please contact me!
David and I at the Elephant Camp:
Visiting the hill tribe pastors, Grace is on the right:
Our evangelism team in the hill tribe. We got to give out CHF food paks and talk to the villagers. The maturity of these students blew me away!
Inside a villager's home:
This kid took a picture of me with his cell phone. Yes, there is cell phone reception way up in the mountains of Thailand : )
The ZOE worhsip team. We sang "Mighty to Save" and I believed it like I never have before.
One of my favorite girls. She was a fire-cracker. reminded me of my sister Allison:
This little boy was hiding in the mats so he did not have to clean up. I caught him! : )
Saying goodbye to our ZOE family:
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Ella-Bella
I can be so cynical. I really can.
For the most part I tend to be an optimist. But when it comes to my predictions about the future and the direction humanity is heading...it seems a little dark. The media, politics, relational standards, and the big push for "tolerance" only appears to be pushing the human race farther and farther away from the way God desires for us to live.
Still, there is HOPE. And hope does not disappoint. Ella Stepan is 4 1/2 years old and brighter than a thousand roman candles exploding across the sky. She has a "heart of gold", a heart that I truly believe Jesus Christ resides in. She is creatively and intellectually brilliant, she has plenty of spunk and passion to go around, and she loves others with such power.
I babysat her the other night and she sang me all the songs that she has been learning at church. "I like to sing Jesus songs the most, they are just the best!" she explains to me. When I grabbed her dad's guitar and started playing a worship song she asked me to wait and ran upstairs to get her guitar to. She couldn't play a chord, but the kid could strum in perfect rhythm and no joke, she could stay in key. We played and sang together and I have to admit, I got a little teary eyed. It was as if the Lord way saying to me "Chin up kiddo, this is the future I am building. I still have things under control."
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Last Leaf
And if I should live to be
The last leaf upon the tree
In the spring,
Let them smile, as I do now,
At the old forsaken bough
Where I cling.
The Last Leaf
Oliver Wendell Holmes
This poem reminded me of a song that I love from Brooke Fraser:
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
I want to be found clinging to the tree. I want to be found standing firm at the end of the day, and every day until Christ returns.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Agony?
A fifteen year old girl at a local school committed suicide a few weeks ago.
I mean, what in the world? So young! She had so much life to live! My youngest sister is sixteen and I cannot (and I mean literally, I start to sob at the thought alone) imagine what it would be like if her life was just over.
Moreover, this girl was a student of a dear friend of mine. And when that friend shared the news with me, she could barely speak between loud, heavy, sobs and gasping for air. As I held my friend I tried desperately to search for words to say, I realized that, that was just it. The situation was desperate. My friend was in deep agony. Agony that a soothing word or warm embrace will never cure. Agony that sits deep in the belly and threatens to burst a lung at any moment.
I just can't seem to get a few thoughts out of my head. They are haunting me. And so, I venture to share them with you and hope that you will at least ponder with me for a moment.
1. Do I even pay attention to how much I could be impacting someone? Or am I just lazy and "typical" in my relationships?
2. What am I doing to speak truth into younger girl's lives?
3. When was the last time that I was truly in agony over something? Was it righteous or petty?
4. Why don't I hurt more for situations like this? A fifteen year old just taking her life into her own hands? Have I become numb?
5. How can I have the heart of God for each person that I come in contact with?
Oh Lord my God! I need you so much!
I mean, what in the world? So young! She had so much life to live! My youngest sister is sixteen and I cannot (and I mean literally, I start to sob at the thought alone) imagine what it would be like if her life was just over.
Moreover, this girl was a student of a dear friend of mine. And when that friend shared the news with me, she could barely speak between loud, heavy, sobs and gasping for air. As I held my friend I tried desperately to search for words to say, I realized that, that was just it. The situation was desperate. My friend was in deep agony. Agony that a soothing word or warm embrace will never cure. Agony that sits deep in the belly and threatens to burst a lung at any moment.
I just can't seem to get a few thoughts out of my head. They are haunting me. And so, I venture to share them with you and hope that you will at least ponder with me for a moment.
1. Do I even pay attention to how much I could be impacting someone? Or am I just lazy and "typical" in my relationships?
2. What am I doing to speak truth into younger girl's lives?
3. When was the last time that I was truly in agony over something? Was it righteous or petty?
4. Why don't I hurt more for situations like this? A fifteen year old just taking her life into her own hands? Have I become numb?
5. How can I have the heart of God for each person that I come in contact with?
Oh Lord my God! I need you so much!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Call me Crazy
I have been thinking a lot about technology and how it really has so many pros and cons. I realized the other day that I have my phone with me, well, pretty much ALWAYS! When I sleep, it charges by my head, when I am in church it is on vibrate, when I go into to pay for gas I carry it in my hand, when I go to the bathroom...well...you get the picture. My Blackberry and I are "attatched at the hip".
On my phone I have the internet, e-mail, Google chat so I could talk to Em when she was in the Czech, ICQ, the Bible, a Calorie Counter, Twitter, and all sort of other applications. I am fully available to people ALL OVER THE WORLD all the time! Crazy! And I don't think I need to be that available. I really think that it has been an idol in my life. I freak out when I do not have my phone. How lame is that?
So...I am going to go on "phone fasts" pretty regularly. I will take days to just spend with the Lord and with the people arounds me, without my phone. If there is an emergency, you can call my husband or just call me like 6 times and if I check it every now and then to make sure there is not a problem.
If I do not get back to you right away, it's not because I don't love you...it's because I do love you and I want to be more attentive to you when we are together and not constantly on my phone.
xoxo
On my phone I have the internet, e-mail, Google chat so I could talk to Em when she was in the Czech, ICQ, the Bible, a Calorie Counter, Twitter, and all sort of other applications. I am fully available to people ALL OVER THE WORLD all the time! Crazy! And I don't think I need to be that available. I really think that it has been an idol in my life. I freak out when I do not have my phone. How lame is that?
So...I am going to go on "phone fasts" pretty regularly. I will take days to just spend with the Lord and with the people arounds me, without my phone. If there is an emergency, you can call my husband or just call me like 6 times and if I check it every now and then to make sure there is not a problem.
If I do not get back to you right away, it's not because I don't love you...it's because I do love you and I want to be more attentive to you when we are together and not constantly on my phone.
xoxo
Sunday, August 2, 2009
New Soul
I'm a new soul
Came into this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I can here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake.
-Yael Naim
Do you ever feel like that? I mean...don't get me wrong, I am SO overwhelmingly thankful to be a new creation in Christ. I read Colossians 3 and get near giddy over the fact that I no longer have to be what I once was. And I now have this lovely skin that I can crawl into and make my own. Christ has made me His own.
I have had my ups and downs, just read this blog and you will see that, but I also know that I am contunially growing as I see more of God and work and as He speaks truth into my life. Still, there seem to be some re-occuring speed bumps that I would love to just pave over. And man, oh man, I hate learning NEW (and annoying) things about myself through the way that I react to OLD hindrances.
For example, while I am resiliant, I am so darn sensitive. I really am. Lenka sings this song about being over-sensitive and how it it "dangerous and sweet". It is true. If you cut me, I will bleed. Words carry great weight with me and can literally be weapons that penetrate my seemingly "tough skin". And I have only been realizing this by standing back and observng my reactions to things. It is so comforting isn't it? I often think to myself "Oh lovely, a new issue for the Lord and I to work on...how delightful." And while I am being slightly sarcastic, the truth is, I know that it really is delighful and magnificent to be santified by a holy God.
So, even if I do constantly feel like a new soul, fresh out of the gates and wobbly...I am truly thankful. And I will enbrace whatever it is that God is bringing to my attention.
Came into this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I can here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake.
-Yael Naim
Do you ever feel like that? I mean...don't get me wrong, I am SO overwhelmingly thankful to be a new creation in Christ. I read Colossians 3 and get near giddy over the fact that I no longer have to be what I once was. And I now have this lovely skin that I can crawl into and make my own. Christ has made me His own.
I have had my ups and downs, just read this blog and you will see that, but I also know that I am contunially growing as I see more of God and work and as He speaks truth into my life. Still, there seem to be some re-occuring speed bumps that I would love to just pave over. And man, oh man, I hate learning NEW (and annoying) things about myself through the way that I react to OLD hindrances.
For example, while I am resiliant, I am so darn sensitive. I really am. Lenka sings this song about being over-sensitive and how it it "dangerous and sweet". It is true. If you cut me, I will bleed. Words carry great weight with me and can literally be weapons that penetrate my seemingly "tough skin". And I have only been realizing this by standing back and observng my reactions to things. It is so comforting isn't it? I often think to myself "Oh lovely, a new issue for the Lord and I to work on...how delightful." And while I am being slightly sarcastic, the truth is, I know that it really is delighful and magnificent to be santified by a holy God.
So, even if I do constantly feel like a new soul, fresh out of the gates and wobbly...I am truly thankful. And I will enbrace whatever it is that God is bringing to my attention.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Still
I am sitting here in the late afternoon listening to the warm whispers of The Reminder by Fiest. The weather outside is mild and inviting, almost as if it is waving a white flag in an offering of peace after the violent heat that is "not appropriate" for early summer. I am reminded, though, that this is California. A recent road trip up north to Davis revealed that this state is as much desert as it is rolling hills and ocean views. Life is like that isn't it?
I appreciate the stillness of the present moment. And the clarity of hindsight. So, reflecting on the last few months and allowing the outside weather to influence me, I have decided to call a "truce" with my wavering emotions. I have sat in the desert for days and cried. But my tears did not flow enough to create a river that saturated and changed the land. I felt them on my cheeks...and then the dried up. Being a newlywed, I have also gazed upon hills of endless beauty and the dazzling seaside and known that even if I daily add a bucket of water to the ocean, it will not make a differnce. My joy will not cause something so vast to oveflow.
The passing of my dear friend and grandmother has been such deep sorrow. And yet the wonder of my new marriage and the building of our life together has almost "balanced out" the woes. And so, I sit with a stable heart rate and body temperature, in the late afternoon, with my music and my Savior...and I am still.
I appreciate the stillness of the present moment. And the clarity of hindsight. So, reflecting on the last few months and allowing the outside weather to influence me, I have decided to call a "truce" with my wavering emotions. I have sat in the desert for days and cried. But my tears did not flow enough to create a river that saturated and changed the land. I felt them on my cheeks...and then the dried up. Being a newlywed, I have also gazed upon hills of endless beauty and the dazzling seaside and known that even if I daily add a bucket of water to the ocean, it will not make a differnce. My joy will not cause something so vast to oveflow.
The passing of my dear friend and grandmother has been such deep sorrow. And yet the wonder of my new marriage and the building of our life together has almost "balanced out" the woes. And so, I sit with a stable heart rate and body temperature, in the late afternoon, with my music and my Savior...and I am still.
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