Kicking and Screaming

Sometimes He drags us there. Even though we pitch a fit, He {graciously} takes us by the shirt and says "I win, let's go."

I mean really, when was the last time that you laid down your weapons and chose not to fight. I rarely say to the Lord "Hey, I want to surrender to you, right now, the first time you ask me to." For some reason there is this burning in me, this pride, this rebellious heart that won't quit.

I think I am more aggressive than I care to admit. I have war in my blood. I'm feisty, scrappy even. My poor {sweet} husband must lay his head down at night and wonder if he will every be able to tell me anything without me freaking out. I can be a bit of a basket case. I don't like to be told what to do. I don't like to be wrong. And I certainly don't like it when I feel that I am not fully heard. I mean come on, who wouldn't want my "two cents", right?

WRONG.

There is this sweetness to meekness that I have not yet attained. I know that I will not ever be a push over or a "doll". I am not sure anyone has ever described me as "gentle". But I know that I could stand to give up and give in a lot more than I do. I will survive, even if I was not able to get my point across. I want {so badly} to be obedient. Simple obedience is so beautiful and admirable. It is such a pure response to our merciful Savior. He asks and I obey. No fight, no struggle, no kicking and screaming. I know He will be faithful to bend and break me until I form into what He wants me to be, where He wants me to go. But I long for the day that {by the power of the Holy Spirit} I just surrender, the first time.

Today I am thanking Jesus for my dear friend, Dave. We just had the most encouraging conversation. I could hear the hope in his voice. I could sense the surrender. His tone was different, his words, his well communicated heart. It was almost a dream. He has been a friend of mine for half of my life and I treasure him immensely. {But} I was not sure that He would ever be able to give up certain things in his life. Guess what? He did. He simply, painfully, wonderfully, and powerfully obeyed. I am sure there was a little kicking and screaming : ) But, he gave up his fight AGAINST the Lord and chose to take up his cross and fight FOR the things that are right. I am stoked, humbled, and challenged.

I am willing to fight to not be such a fighter anymore. Paradoxical I know, but hopefully you understand. Wishing you all a little PEACE. Love you much.

Sappy

Hudson Taylor said something about being the vine and the branches that I like. It's a common metaphor that we have all heard, that Christ is the vine and we are the branches (And if you went to church growing up like I did you would end that with the lyric "His banner over me is love"). But good 'ol Hudson takes it to another level. He says that he doesn't want to just go after the sap of the tree. He doesn't want to just squeeze everything out of Christ. He wants to abide in Christ. He wants to be the tree, to be like the tree.

I love it. I absolutely love it. I confess that even when I don't know I am doing it, I am often looking for the bi-products of Christ rather than Christ himself. I want peace, truth, direction, comfort, love, wisdom, and bunch of other "good" things. And I cannot let that be my motivation for approaching the throne of God, for my day to day life, for His Kingdom. Give me Jesus. I just need Jesus. First. Foremost.

Heart Note #2

My friend Nicole is a treasure. I have known her casually for about 5 years now, but she and I recently began building a deeper relationship. I trust her. She is someone that I want to share deep things with because I know that she cares about me, but more importantly, she cares that i am right with the Lord. She encouraged me to write and journal more. Both her and I can type faster than we can write so sometimes blogging is easier. I like to share my blogs on my Facebook, but I think I am going to stop doing that. This will be a little more of a digital journal. Nicole kind of does that with hers. She is SO brave. I want to be brave, real, and transparent like she is. So, here goes nothing...

I have this little heart ache that goes with me everywhere. Although it is surrounded by the joy and certainty of God's sovereignty, it is an ache none the less. I want to have a baby. Real bad. I have always wanted children and pictured a big family in my life. David and I have been "trying" to have kids since we got married. No luck so far. I know it's only been a little over two years and that many women have struggled with infertility for a lot longer than this. I don't meant to make light of anyone's pain or compare mine to theirs. But this still hurts.

I have had a few tests and due to my hormone levels and temperature charts (that I have arduously kept track of) by doctor thinks that I rarely ovulate, if at all. I know diet and hormone treatments can help, but before I go any further, I have been needing to work this out with the Lord.

So, here are a few confessions:

1. I thought that having children would bring purpose to my life. More purpose than what God has already blessed me with.
2. I thought having children might bring David and I closer and in a way, was waiting for that to happen instead of faithfully
working on my marriage right now.
3. I have been jealous of other women that get pregnant and it has been hard to be happy for them. Then I get mad at myself that
I am jealous and that I even have to deal with the ugly green emotion in the first place.
4. I thought maybe God was not giving me children because he was punishing me for my sins.

My mom shared a verse from Isaiah with me the last time I visited Washington: "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD."

I know that verse is directed towards single women and widows, but it still very much resonated with my soul. My mom told me that she knows that even if I don't have physical children of my own, the Lord will give me many spiritual children. This verse is a promise. The Lord commands the barren women to sing and shout for joy. I was just not sure that I could do that. And after reading my confessions, you probably see all the reasons why "bursting into song" was not at the top of my spiritual "To Do" list. But man, oh man, was I wrong. God told me to rejoice and to trust Him. He has been shattering all of those wrong perceptions about Him that I had. He has been saying "Kiddo, I love you, and I don't operate the way you think I do. I give you GOOD gifts, remember?"

I believe that God gives good gifts. I believe that He will give me children whether they are from my womb, adopted, or spiritual. I am not going to say that those beliefs always anchor my emotions, but I will say that they are the light that guides me home. Home to my Savior's arms where He holds me while I cry when it get's too hard to be string. Home where I stop fighting for the things I want and start relying on the Holy Spirit to help me fight against the enemy and my flesh. Home where I have my heart set on what happens next, knowing that His love is greater than life and that eternity is mine.

This is the bravest thing I have every written. Thank you for reading it and please be in prayer as Jesus and I continue to work things out in this area. I am providing a link to a song that I wrote. It's not finished and shows the short extent of my Garage Band and iMovie skills, but I felt like I was supposed to share it with you anyway.

Thank you for reading, I love you and I am blessed by your faithfulness to be a part of my life. I wanted to say a special thank you to:
Nicole- your last post inspired this one
Blythe- you are incredibly compassionate towards me and have been a huge comfort and encouragement specifically in this area
Mary Beth- thank you for always listening, checking in on how I am doing, and for great health advice
Susan- your text the other day was priceless to me, you know me so well
Diana-you are a treasure to me and definitely a great example of a spiritual mother
Hannah- you have done a great job at being preggo and my roomie
Emmy- you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for. thanks for all the ways you support me and hold me accountable
Jill- my health food guru, fun-loving friend, and source of encouragement...thank you!
Morgan (Moogie) I don't know how I would have made it through these last two years without you
Mama- nope, there's no words, just tears of gratitude


Here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeNOaq2FaLE

West Coast Honeys

Well, it never gets easier. I have been married for a little over two years now. My parents have lived in Washington for about four years. My sisters and I are not scattered up and down the coast. Abigail is a senior at San Diego Christian College in El Cajon, San Diego. Amy is about to finish her second year at Ecola Bible College in Cannon Beach, Oregon and Allison is a senior in high school in Port Angeles, Washington. I always miss them, but today I was missing them extra bad. So I decided to write them a little love note.

Dear Sisters,

It never gets easier. No matter how busy I am, how many dear friends the Lord blesses me with, how many songs I play on repeat or movies I watch to distract me...it never gets easier to be away from you. Besides my husband, you are the most precious things to me on this planet. I am crazy about you, pray for you, admire you, fight for you, cheer you on, write songs for you, brag about you, and think about you every day.

Abigail, you are my rock. Even though these last few years have drastically changed our relationship, I know that some things will always stay the same. I have always wanted to be like you. You are so driven and faithful. You have stayed on this path and run so hard after Jesus, more than most people I know. I love the way you make "friends for life" and that you don't ever give up on anyone. Thank you for always extending grace to me and choosing to see me in the best light. Your dreams blow me away and your character is so honorable. Your strength is astounding yet simple, and your are simply amazing. I love you.

Amy (Ames) my boom chicka. You sure know how to light up a room. It's not just your jaw dropping smile or that you are smok'in hott. It's the way you make each person you come in contact with feel special. People really know your love for them and I know that people have seen Christ in you and chosen to follow after Him. You see the world in such a beautiful way and I love how you express it in your art. Everything about you is art, from the way you throw your hair up in the morning to the way you treat your relationships with the same care and precision that you put into your paintings. You are creating something so beautiful with your life, my little spirit-filled wonder. I am better because I know you, most people are. I love you.

Allison, you are a thing to behold. Those times in PA when you would come home from school, plop down on my bed, and go on and on about your day are some of my most treasured times. I was so honored that your considered me a confidant, your thoughts are pure gold to me Allison. I love the way you feel everything in your life so fully. Your courage is so honoring to the Lord, the way you are not afraid to be real and vulnerable. Whether we are painting the town red or sipping lattes at Bella's...you make each moment last. You are growing in so many ways and facing so much adversity head on. You are blooming, Allison, and the world has no idea what they are in for. My brave one, my muse, my baby sister...I love you.

If you see my Mom and Dad anytime soon, tell them what a great job they have done in parenting us. I am so grateful to them for the home they created for us and for bringing my favorite people into the world.

Forget Me Not

I get a bad cold/flu about once a year. The kind of cold where I am not leaving my bed unless A) Christ returns or B) Regina Spektor showed up at my doorstep.

About 3ish years ago, when David and I were dating, I got one of these killer colds. I actually cancelled a date which I am surprised I mustered up the self control to do because I was so ridiculously smitten with him. Later that day I was woken up by someone ringing the doorbell. At the risk of it being Jesus, or Regina Spektor, I answered the door. There was some stranger standing there with flowers and they asked me to sign a piece of paper. I brought the vase inside and set it on the counter. I assumed it was flowers for Tinna (my roomie with the uber romantic boyfriend). I started to walk back down the hall when I though to myself, "Self, you should check and see who those are for."

The tag read "Anna, I am praying that you feel better and can't wait to see you again."- or something spiritually romantic like that. I got up on the counter and just stared at the flowers. In a daze, actually, because the sinus pressure in my head was blurring my vision. I could not smell the flowers and I don't even remember what kind they were. For all I know, they were carnations. But it didn't matter, they were mine. And they were from a man that I adored. Someone sent me flowers. I had never been sent flowers before. I was absolutely ecstatic. It's pretty hard to make a sick girl feel on top of the world, but he did.

I married that man and he is currently quarantined to the guest room where he is coughing his lungs out. Oh how I love that snotty husband of mine. Still, I love him still. And I was just thinking about the little things that he does that make a huge difference in my life.

Heart Note #1

sparse/spärs/

1. Thinly dispersed or scattered.

2. Austere; meager.

"Scattered" doesn't really do it justice. "Thin", well, that is getting closer and "meager" that seems to almost describe it. There is this looming feeling that I have had for a few months now. I know that part of it is that I am genuinely heartbroken over a few areas of my life, things within me and around me. It's not dramatic, it's the truth. I know that even when I gear up and sing songs of joy and smile wide and meditate on God's word....I still feel a little crushed.

Looking over blog posts and journal entries I know that God is teaching me so many wonderful things and really moving me forward. But I also know that I may be trying to do so many things on my own. Self realization does not always equal spiritual revelation. I think I need to remember that even in all my "meager" yearnings to be better, stronger, brighter...it's vanity if it's not Christ driven and spirit filled.

a·bun·dant/əˈbəndənt/

1. Existing or available in large quantities; plentiful.

2. Having plenty of something

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I came that you may have life, and have it

abundantly."

Something, or some things have been stealing life from me lately. I know what some of them are, some are still to be pointed out. But none of these things can match what Christ brings and gives. I know that life can be abundant. I know that I do not have to settle for "sparse".

Twenty Four

Switchfoot has this amazing song called "Twenty Four". I have no idea if Jon Foreman wrote it when he was 24 or if he was referring more to the hours in a day, and I don't really care. I have taken a lot from this song and on this eve of my 24th birthday, I am drawing from it once again.

There is this line in the song that says: "You're raising the dead in me, oh oh I am this second man now." Here I am, once again thanking God for the "second man" (well...woman) that I am. I am another year older and another year wiser. Another year closer to Christ and farther away from the person I was before I knew him. And I still have a long way to go!

This has been a tough but rewarding year. So many friends have moved away, I got a full-time job, left that job for a part time job, struggled with health issues, went to Thailand, moved apartments, and did plenty more that is too much to tell. I have also been really missing my family. If i am honest, I have been thinking a little too much about my regrets and dwelling on things that I should. Sometimes I just want to stop this train (and get off and go home again). I want to go back to my house on Los Rogues in Saugus and walk in the door to find my family there. I want to snuggle up on my mom's lap and not worry about a thing. I think this is the first year of my life that I have wanted to just go back in time. It's strange.

But, I move forward. I know where my home is. I know who I am and where I belong. I know that even though I sometimes miss what was familiar and comfortable, I am 5 minutes away from bring 24...and I would not trade being right here and right now for anything. And praise God! He is raising the dead in me and making me more like Him.

If you want to listen the Twenty Four song you can do so HERE.