Scars

He found me in the mud and the mire. There was nothing of beauty there. I was tainted and downcast. My eyes gazed at things of disgust. My mouth was full of lies and malice. My feet went towards destruction. My ears listened to the council of the wicked. My heart was a harlot. Satan’s grip on me was stifling and yet I was comfortable. When I think about the dreadful creature I was, hide my face in shame and want to cry for hours. Oh how I desire to forget!

When I became a child of God He took my transgressions and banished them from Himself. He cut into me and scraped out the muck that had seeped through my pores as a result of sitting in that pit for so long. He took my eyes and replaced them with lenses of truth, I now see through His eyes. He filled my mouth with songs of victory and exaltation. He made my path straight and narrow and my feet now follow as He goes before me. My ears hear His words to me and lend themselves to the music of the redeemed. And my heart. Oh praise Him for the work He has done! He took my out of the bed of my past lovers and cleansed me over and over. He allured me and called lovely. He cleansed me in sweet oils and perfume and clothed me in white. I am now His bride, pure and unstained.

So why can I not forget the person I was before? My do I shudder and mourn so? Why could my Lord not have removed my memories of my past life? I am new now right? So why must I have knowledge of that old self?

“I’ll build an alter out of the rubble that you found me in.
So heal the wound but leave the scar.
A reminder of how merciful you are.”

He has healed me and freed me. I am now a slave to righteousness and not to my own flesh and evil desires. And not to the Prince of this earth but to the King of glory! And let my scars be a reminder of where He brought me out of. They may itch from time to time and not be a lovely sight, but they are reminders of His great mercy and compassion.

I just bought the Jon Foreman CD, if you don’t have it…get it. In his song called “Running” he says “Build me a home inside your scars.” His scars are SO beautiful! They represent hands and feet that bled for us to pay for our souls and give glory to the Father. I, Anna Thomson, resolve to abide in His scars and not my own. Deo volente!

(Thank you Father for my life and for lessons like these. I am captivated and so deeply in love with you!)

Sometimes it's beautiful...

She threw the heart-shaped locket as hard as she could manage. Every possible ounce of frustration went into her thrust and even though she may have forgotten the necklace was still attached to her neck, she still felt liberated. Her anger was beautiful. It was like a flower bursting with violent and deep crimson...and a hint of darkest blue. When we look upon such things, we can only marvel and want to feel and experience the unfolding of every tainted petal.
Gravity wins though. It always does. The locket swung in a half circle and hit her square in the back of the head. "Ouch!" she exclaimed with such enthusiasm that I was able to hear her voice transition from rage to humility. She was mad. Extremely, and yet appropriately mad. We always are when hearts are at stake. It would feel a thousand times lighter to be able to hurl them across the most distant sea and into oblivion. But gravity always wins. Petals once appreciated for their anger will wither and loose their hue.
And as they fall to the ground
The necklace swings back 'round
And we are left with humility
And ever constant gravity

Take my world apart!

"I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high
And like Icharus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but LOVE
To GIVE and DIE"
-Jars of Clay

I want to live every day with a stake through my heart...right through the center of it.
Romans 6:4 "We were therefore burried with him through baptism in to death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead though the glory of the Father, we too may have new life."

On Wednesday I died and I had not done that in a long time. I drove down the road, after being fired from my job, and sobbed as the lyrics from the Jars of Clay song "Worlds Apart" played from my CD player. I had lived for so long without dying to myself. I lived in a state of surrender, but only to my selfishness. I did not "wage war" agaist he soul as to be a witness for all to see the glory of God (1 Peter 2:11-12). I became lazy and sick and was not commited to he job that the Lord blessed me with, or to His call to be faithful in ALL things. I long to hear "Well done" when I meet my Master face to face (Matthew 25:21) and I know that were I to die today...such words would not spring forth. I am humbled, needy, and ashamed.

Romans 6:5-7 "If we ave been united withe him in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified wih him so that the body of sin might not be rendered powerless, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-because anyone who has dies has been freed from sin."

I am broken an ashamed, but I also believe in redemption and in the power of Jesus Christ on the cross. I do not have to be a slave to myself! I can be a slave to rightousness through His grace and spirit in my life! Praise His name!!!! He is good!!! He can take my heart and make it new. His blood never fails me or looses its power! I'm alive and free to die every day because of Calvary. And He can have it all. He can have my job, house, food, car, friends, clothes, boyfriend, dreams, desires, heart, mind and soul. ALL to Him and none to me. He can empty me. He can take my world apart! I ask that He would take my world apart for the rest of my life.

Psalm 40:17 "I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."

Take my world apart, oh God do not delay!!!

Lords and Ladies

I can't believe I get paid to hang out with the 23 most entertaining, beautiful, and joyful people in my life each day. I am contunually falling more in love with my students and learning profound things from their simplicity.

We have been reading a book called "Sir Galahad" that is about one of King Arthur's knights. The kids were particularly interested in this story and adopted a very lofty sounding, slightly brithish, accent for the week. I feel like I walked around with little lords and ladies for the last few days. Luke announced after "turning a card" (basically it is a system that monitors behavior, changing the color of your card is not good) that it wil "be my last!". I was quite thrilled at his confident declaration but we will see how that pans out...history has a way of repeating itself.

When the student helpers do the morning routine they have the option of praying themselves, or selecting a volunteer who wants to pray if the helper is too shy. Today Ayden announced "I will stand! I will pray!". My what bravery! Then at recess the boys decided that I was the Hydra and they were going to "imaginary slay" me...as David put so gently. Then he plunged an imaginary sword into my loin (vocab word they learned that I think they really would have been fine not knowing ha ha) and I fell backwards in anguish. : ) Later on they are telling the teacher what they did at recess and David says, "Oh you know. Played some soccer, ate some snack, slayed a Hydra..." as he looks at me with an elated face.

I love that they love to get a rise out of me and want to be recognized for their cleverness. I love even more that this week they took pride in pretending to be noble and valiant. They really are so valiant. Over the last few years I have seen them conquer all of their math facts, read books far too advanced for their age, learn kickball and football, befriend the outcasts and lonely, share their snacks and lives, learn about being virtuous, memorize scripture, and live as brave children of the Lord. I am so proud of them. Again, I am so very proud of them. I cannot wait till I meet them years later. The hand that coud barely hold a pencil will one day write poetry and prose and minds that struggled with addition will contemplate the great mysteries of this life. I pray that Luke will be victorious over things he'd like to change, that Ayden will stand and pray for all of his days, and that David will triumph over many thing that stand in his way. Their valiance will cetianly have stories to tell that are equally as impressive as anything King Arthur achieved.

Spherical Grace

The flesh has taught me things that the truth has not. Doubt ought not take hold where hope should prevail. Grace is not one dimensional…it is a perfect sphere that is spinning and swaying over me constantly.

I found myself in the Savior’s arms the other day. Although He was using the body of another human to hold me, it was very much the Lord’s own extension of Himself that I felt most strongly. As I rested there, in a state of gratitude and amazement, a thought so loud and blasphemous entered my mind and tried to take residence.

“This is not real. This is not a gift. You are too full of sin and filth to receive this. You will find this cannot last and you will be hurt…again. Don’t rest here in these arms, they will leave you go any second now. You just wait.”

I want to look Satan in the eyes one day and say to him, “No! You just wait. Your time is coming soon!” He has no place in my head! I have a promise and a hope. I have the way and the light. I have a Savior who cannot fail. One day every valley will be lifted and every mountain be made low. He will come riding in and we shall see the King. And all my hope, each time I rested in grace, and each time I accepted a good and perfect gift will NOT prove to be in vein.

My God cannot lie, but Satan and my flesh can. They can tell me that the cross was not enough and that my trespasses have far exceeded the crimson price He paid for me. They tell me that I am not worthy of blessings even though my Father looks on me with compassion and deems me beautiful.But grace is not one dimensional. It is not circumstantial. And it is not to be undermined. The grace of the Lord is overflowing and never-ending. It always comes full circle.

This Christmas

Washington is beautiful! My family is beautiful! I just wanted to share a little bit about my trip, funny family things that have happened, and what I have been learning.
1. We have seen snow! But, we had to drive about 25 minutes up into the mountains. The weather reports have been promising snow for days now and all we have seen is ice. Ice is slippery and often fun, but not snow. When it says it will rain, it rains. We are still glued to the window in anticipation. Maybe tonight is the night!

2. Sisters are wonderful. They can also be a curse : ). I am joking about that last part. I don't want to get too emotional but I will say this...I am so proud of them. I had to accept that they might not be exactly who I wish they were or think it would be best for them to be. But they are who the Lord desires for them to be and I trust Him. They have made the best of a new town and are becoming Godly and wise (well wiser ha ha) young women.

3. I will never forget this Christmas Eve. We went to the service at my parent's wonderful church and the pastor reflected on the Lord's beauty and what a gift it is that we can see it. I came to a very important conclusion: His beauty is ALIVE! The Lord's beauty is like the many faces of a diamond. He turns and moves and His light reflects and shines a new facet of His glory. I am contunially learning new things about Him and His ever present beauty.

4. Christmas morning was a blast. Allison has mentioned nothing for the last few days but the IPod Nano that she wants. Really, if my parents hadn't bought it for her I would have done it myself...just to shut her up. But we did get her one and decided to wrap it in about 6 boxes. It was so fun watching her got more and more irritated as she opened it. My Dad (always trying to be funny) said that he has something much worse than wrapping it multiple times.
"Like what?" Allison asked.
"I will tell you in a minute." He said.
"That means he will tell you when he thinks of something." Abigail piped in.
Classic Thomson moment. Dad trying to be funny and getting called on his bluffs. We then sat down to eat our traditional Christmas breakfast: cinnamon rolls and "little smokies"...delightful.

Cheers and Hisses

Theatre during the middle of the 20th century was not complete without a man holding the cue cards. The audience was instructed when to laugh, boo, and make all sorts of reactive noises. When the villain would enter, the crowd needed no cue. They would erupt with cries of displeasure.

I had a similar experience in my first grade classroom the other day. We have been reading the original story Pinnochio for a few months now at the last 10 minutes of every day. It is much more extensive than the Disney version and Pinnochio's inner struggle to choose right or wrong actions is painted much more colorfully. He is continually in situations where he has the ability to do good, be responsible, and follow through on the word he has given. Yet, he almost always does the opposite of what he should.

We came to a point in the story where he has been on a right and proper path for quite some time. He is behaving, going to school and studying hard, obeying his father, and making good decisions. The Blue Fairy has finally promised that if he can behave for five more days...he can become a "real" boy! Pinocchio is elated and promises to not dissapoint. The inevitable has an ugly face that hides in crevices that are much shallower than we wish they were. Along comes a caravan of wild boys and dancing stage coaches. One of the masters asks him to come along to Fantasy Island where dreams com true and life is easy and good. Pinnochio's struggle is illustrated for a few paragraphs until he finally gives in and joins the parade.

The reacion of my first grade students when we reached this pivitol moment in the book was priceless. The room was filled with "nooo!s" and "awe man!s" and sad faces. They were so disgusted and let down by his decision. It was suprisingly moving and as tears welled up in my eyes (I was not sure why this was so emotional for me) I started to think....

Deuteronomy 7:26 "Do not bring a detestable thing into your house or you, like it, will be set apart for destruction. Utterly abhor and detest it, for it is set apart for destruction."

I love the wording in that verse, "utterly abhor and detest it". We are called to turn from evil and do good (Psalm 34:14, 37:27). To be able to distinguish between good and evil is a sign of maturity and being brough up in the "meat" of he Word of God. The six and seven year olds that I work with daily see things through beauiful eyes. Children have the amazing ability to see simple things that adults complicate. Love what is good and hate what is evil. Cheer for the heros and boo at the villains. They longed for Pinnochio to just do what was right.

I desire cheers, excitement, and joy to overflow from my heart at the things that are good and to passionately hate and be disgusted with evil.

1 Corinthians 13:6 "LOVE does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth."

As Ayden, one of my precious students, prayed...may we "love the Lord with all that we do." May we love Him with all that we desire and all that we detest.