Hudson Taylor said something about being the vine and the branches that I like. It's a common metaphor that we have all heard, that Christ is the vine and we are the branches (And if you went to church growing up like I did you would end that with the lyric "His banner over me is love"). But good 'ol Hudson takes it to another level. He says that he doesn't want to just go after the sap of the tree. He doesn't want to just squeeze everything out of Christ. He wants to abide in Christ. He wants to be the tree, to be like the tree.
I love it. I absolutely love it. I confess that even when I don't know I am doing it, I am often looking for the bi-products of Christ rather than Christ himself. I want peace, truth, direction, comfort, love, wisdom, and bunch of other "good" things. And I cannot let that be my motivation for approaching the throne of God, for my day to day life, for His Kingdom. Give me Jesus. I just need Jesus. First. Foremost.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Heart Note #2
My friend Nicole is a treasure. I have known her casually for about 5 years now, but she and I recently began building a deeper relationship. I trust her. She is someone that I want to share deep things with because I know that she cares about me, but more importantly, she cares that i am right with the Lord. She encouraged me to write and journal more. Both her and I can type faster than we can write so sometimes blogging is easier. I like to share my blogs on my Facebook, but I think I am going to stop doing that. This will be a little more of a digital journal. Nicole kind of does that with hers. She is SO brave. I want to be brave, real, and transparent like she is. So, here goes nothing...
I have this little heart ache that goes with me everywhere. Although it is surrounded by the joy and certainty of God's sovereignty, it is an ache none the less. I want to have a baby. Real bad. I have always wanted children and pictured a big family in my life. David and I have been "trying" to have kids since we got married. No luck so far. I know it's only been a little over two years and that many women have struggled with infertility for a lot longer than this. I don't meant to make light of anyone's pain or compare mine to theirs. But this still hurts.
I have had a few tests and due to my hormone levels and temperature charts (that I have arduously kept track of) by doctor thinks that I rarely ovulate, if at all. I know diet and hormone treatments can help, but before I go any further, I have been needing to work this out with the Lord.
So, here are a few confessions:
1. I thought that having children would bring purpose to my life. More purpose than what God has already blessed me with.
2. I thought having children might bring David and I closer and in a way, was waiting for that to happen instead of faithfully
working on my marriage right now.
3. I have been jealous of other women that get pregnant and it has been hard to be happy for them. Then I get mad at myself that
I am jealous and that I even have to deal with the ugly green emotion in the first place.
4. I thought maybe God was not giving me children because he was punishing me for my sins.
My mom shared a verse from Isaiah with me the last time I visited Washington: "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD."
I know that verse is directed towards single women and widows, but it still very much resonated with my soul. My mom told me that she knows that even if I don't have physical children of my own, the Lord will give me many spiritual children. This verse is a promise. The Lord commands the barren women to sing and shout for joy. I was just not sure that I could do that. And after reading my confessions, you probably see all the reasons why "bursting into song" was not at the top of my spiritual "To Do" list. But man, oh man, was I wrong. God told me to rejoice and to trust Him. He has been shattering all of those wrong perceptions about Him that I had. He has been saying "Kiddo, I love you, and I don't operate the way you think I do. I give you GOOD gifts, remember?"
I believe that God gives good gifts. I believe that He will give me children whether they are from my womb, adopted, or spiritual. I am not going to say that those beliefs always anchor my emotions, but I will say that they are the light that guides me home. Home to my Savior's arms where He holds me while I cry when it get's too hard to be string. Home where I stop fighting for the things I want and start relying on the Holy Spirit to help me fight against the enemy and my flesh. Home where I have my heart set on what happens next, knowing that His love is greater than life and that eternity is mine.
This is the bravest thing I have every written. Thank you for reading it and please be in prayer as Jesus and I continue to work things out in this area. I am providing a link to a song that I wrote. It's not finished and shows the short extent of my Garage Band and iMovie skills, but I felt like I was supposed to share it with you anyway.
Thank you for reading, I love you and I am blessed by your faithfulness to be a part of my life. I wanted to say a special thank you to:
Nicole- your last post inspired this one
Blythe- you are incredibly compassionate towards me and have been a huge comfort and encouragement specifically in this area
Mary Beth- thank you for always listening, checking in on how I am doing, and for great health advice
Susan- your text the other day was priceless to me, you know me so well
Diana-you are a treasure to me and definitely a great example of a spiritual mother
Hannah- you have done a great job at being preggo and my roomie
Emmy- you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for. thanks for all the ways you support me and hold me accountable
Jill- my health food guru, fun-loving friend, and source of encouragement...thank you!
Morgan (Moogie) I don't know how I would have made it through these last two years without you
Mama- nope, there's no words, just tears of gratitude
Here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeNOaq2FaLE
I have this little heart ache that goes with me everywhere. Although it is surrounded by the joy and certainty of God's sovereignty, it is an ache none the less. I want to have a baby. Real bad. I have always wanted children and pictured a big family in my life. David and I have been "trying" to have kids since we got married. No luck so far. I know it's only been a little over two years and that many women have struggled with infertility for a lot longer than this. I don't meant to make light of anyone's pain or compare mine to theirs. But this still hurts.
I have had a few tests and due to my hormone levels and temperature charts (that I have arduously kept track of) by doctor thinks that I rarely ovulate, if at all. I know diet and hormone treatments can help, but before I go any further, I have been needing to work this out with the Lord.
So, here are a few confessions:
1. I thought that having children would bring purpose to my life. More purpose than what God has already blessed me with.
2. I thought having children might bring David and I closer and in a way, was waiting for that to happen instead of faithfully
working on my marriage right now.
3. I have been jealous of other women that get pregnant and it has been hard to be happy for them. Then I get mad at myself that
I am jealous and that I even have to deal with the ugly green emotion in the first place.
4. I thought maybe God was not giving me children because he was punishing me for my sins.
My mom shared a verse from Isaiah with me the last time I visited Washington: "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD."
I know that verse is directed towards single women and widows, but it still very much resonated with my soul. My mom told me that she knows that even if I don't have physical children of my own, the Lord will give me many spiritual children. This verse is a promise. The Lord commands the barren women to sing and shout for joy. I was just not sure that I could do that. And after reading my confessions, you probably see all the reasons why "bursting into song" was not at the top of my spiritual "To Do" list. But man, oh man, was I wrong. God told me to rejoice and to trust Him. He has been shattering all of those wrong perceptions about Him that I had. He has been saying "Kiddo, I love you, and I don't operate the way you think I do. I give you GOOD gifts, remember?"
I believe that God gives good gifts. I believe that He will give me children whether they are from my womb, adopted, or spiritual. I am not going to say that those beliefs always anchor my emotions, but I will say that they are the light that guides me home. Home to my Savior's arms where He holds me while I cry when it get's too hard to be string. Home where I stop fighting for the things I want and start relying on the Holy Spirit to help me fight against the enemy and my flesh. Home where I have my heart set on what happens next, knowing that His love is greater than life and that eternity is mine.
This is the bravest thing I have every written. Thank you for reading it and please be in prayer as Jesus and I continue to work things out in this area. I am providing a link to a song that I wrote. It's not finished and shows the short extent of my Garage Band and iMovie skills, but I felt like I was supposed to share it with you anyway.
Thank you for reading, I love you and I am blessed by your faithfulness to be a part of my life. I wanted to say a special thank you to:
Nicole- your last post inspired this one
Blythe- you are incredibly compassionate towards me and have been a huge comfort and encouragement specifically in this area
Mary Beth- thank you for always listening, checking in on how I am doing, and for great health advice
Susan- your text the other day was priceless to me, you know me so well
Diana-you are a treasure to me and definitely a great example of a spiritual mother
Hannah- you have done a great job at being preggo and my roomie
Emmy- you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for. thanks for all the ways you support me and hold me accountable
Jill- my health food guru, fun-loving friend, and source of encouragement...thank you!
Morgan (Moogie) I don't know how I would have made it through these last two years without you
Mama- nope, there's no words, just tears of gratitude
Here's the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeNOaq2FaLE
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