The Last Leaf

And if I should live to be
The last leaf upon the tree
In the spring,
Let them smile, as I do now,
At the old forsaken bough
Where I cling.

The Last Leaf
Oliver Wendell Holmes


This poem reminded me of a song that I love from Brooke Fraser:

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you



I want to be found clinging to the tree. I want to be found standing firm at the end of the day, and every day until Christ returns.

Agony?

A fifteen year old girl at a local school committed suicide a few weeks ago.

I mean, what in the world? So young! She had so much life to live! My youngest sister is sixteen and I cannot (and I mean literally, I start to sob at the thought alone) imagine what it would be like if her life was just over.

Moreover, this girl was a student of a dear friend of mine. And when that friend shared the news with me, she could barely speak between loud, heavy, sobs and gasping for air. As I held my friend I tried desperately to search for words to say, I realized that, that was just it. The situation was desperate. My friend was in deep agony. Agony that a soothing word or warm embrace will never cure. Agony that sits deep in the belly and threatens to burst a lung at any moment.

I just can't seem to get a few thoughts out of my head. They are haunting me. And so, I venture to share them with you and hope that you will at least ponder with me for a moment.

1. Do I even pay attention to how much I could be impacting someone? Or am I just lazy and "typical" in my relationships?
2. What am I doing to speak truth into younger girl's lives?
3. When was the last time that I was truly in agony over something? Was it righteous or petty?
4. Why don't I hurt more for situations like this? A fifteen year old just taking her life into her own hands? Have I become numb?
5. How can I have the heart of God for each person that I come in contact with?

Oh Lord my God! I need you so much!

Call me Crazy

I have been thinking a lot about technology and how it really has so many pros and cons. I realized the other day that I have my phone with me, well, pretty much ALWAYS! When I sleep, it charges by my head, when I am in church it is on vibrate, when I go into to pay for gas I carry it in my hand, when I go to the bathroom...well...you get the picture. My Blackberry and I are "attatched at the hip".
On my phone I have the internet, e-mail, Google chat so I could talk to Em when she was in the Czech, ICQ, the Bible, a Calorie Counter, Twitter, and all sort of other applications. I am fully available to people ALL OVER THE WORLD all the time! Crazy! And I don't think I need to be that available. I really think that it has been an idol in my life. I freak out when I do not have my phone. How lame is that?

So...I am going to go on "phone fasts" pretty regularly. I will take days to just spend with the Lord and with the people arounds me, without my phone. If there is an emergency, you can call my husband or just call me like 6 times and if I check it every now and then to make sure there is not a problem.

If I do not get back to you right away, it's not because I don't love you...it's because I do love you and I want to be more attentive to you when we are together and not constantly on my phone.

xoxo

New Soul

I'm a new soul
Came into this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I can here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake.
-Yael Naim

Do you ever feel like that? I mean...don't get me wrong, I am SO overwhelmingly thankful to be a new creation in Christ. I read Colossians 3 and get near giddy over the fact that I no longer have to be what I once was. And I now have this lovely skin that I can crawl into and make my own. Christ has made me His own.

I have had my ups and downs, just read this blog and you will see that, but I also know that I am contunially growing as I see more of God and work and as He speaks truth into my life. Still, there seem to be some re-occuring speed bumps that I would love to just pave over. And man, oh man, I hate learning NEW (and annoying) things about myself through the way that I react to OLD hindrances.

For example, while I am resiliant, I am so darn sensitive. I really am. Lenka sings this song about being over-sensitive and how it it "dangerous and sweet". It is true. If you cut me, I will bleed. Words carry great weight with me and can literally be weapons that penetrate my seemingly "tough skin". And I have only been realizing this by standing back and observng my reactions to things. It is so comforting isn't it? I often think to myself "Oh lovely, a new issue for the Lord and I to work on...how delightful." And while I am being slightly sarcastic, the truth is, I know that it really is delighful and magnificent to be santified by a holy God.

So, even if I do constantly feel like a new soul, fresh out of the gates and wobbly...I am truly thankful. And I will enbrace whatever it is that God is bringing to my attention.

Still

I am sitting here in the late afternoon listening to the warm whispers of The Reminder by Fiest. The weather outside is mild and inviting, almost as if it is waving a white flag in an offering of peace after the violent heat that is "not appropriate" for early summer. I am reminded, though, that this is California. A recent road trip up north to Davis revealed that this state is as much desert as it is rolling hills and ocean views. Life is like that isn't it?

I appreciate the stillness of the present moment. And the clarity of hindsight. So, reflecting on the last few months and allowing the outside weather to influence me, I have decided to call a "truce" with my wavering emotions. I have sat in the desert for days and cried. But my tears did not flow enough to create a river that saturated and changed the land. I felt them on my cheeks...and then the dried up. Being a newlywed, I have also gazed upon hills of endless beauty and the dazzling seaside and known that even if I daily add a bucket of water to the ocean, it will not make a differnce. My joy will not cause something so vast to oveflow.

The passing of my dear friend and grandmother has been such deep sorrow. And yet the wonder of my new marriage and the building of our life together has almost "balanced out" the woes. And so, I sit with a stable heart rate and body temperature, in the late afternoon, with my music and my Savior...and I am still.

Moving

Dr. Keith Phillips spoke at a church we were visiting on Sunday. The man is a gifted (and might I add crafty) speaker. He has this way of making sacrificial life appealing. Really, he makes us want to pack up and move to Watts and start a street ministry. He does not butter it up...he presents a life of challenge, hard work, and living with a missional disposition. And yet the way the Lord speaks through Keith and allows the words to flow together just seems to get me every time.

I am not sure that we are supposed to move to LA right now. I am not sure that we are supposed to move to Africa either. Actually, I am not sure we are supposed to "move" at all. In the literal sense of course. But I am SURE that the Lord is "daring us to MOVE". There are things that we CAN do. We can be faithful with what the Lord has placed before us right now in Simi Valley. We CAN diligently pray for missionaries and visit them or send notes of encouragement. And we certainly CAN be willing and ready to pick up and move when God asks us to.

We all have skills and talents the Lord has given to us. We all have people in our lives that we directly impact. We may not all move to the inner city or across the globe with the good news of our Savior. But are we doing all that we CAN do?

Will you pray for us and with us? And will you commit to praying and asking the Lord to reveal what you CAN do?

Something Amazing!!!

I love that scene in "The Incredibles" where Mr. Incredible pulls up in his car and there is a little boy on a tricycle waiting for him. When Mr. Incredible looks at him and rudely says "What are you waiting for?" the boy responds "I don't know, something amazing!"

I so often feel like a kid on a tricycle waiting for the spectacular to happen in my life. It's like I cozy up with my blanket and popcorn and just sit back till the show starts. I had to ask myself the other day "Anna, what are you waiting for?" But I have to admit, I felt the sweet sting of conviction when my heart responded "I don't know...something amazing."

I am amazing. I have the ability to do amazing things every day. The same spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells inside me. And if I actually wipe the dust that has settled over my eyes (as I sit in my comfortable seat) away...I see the amazing things that have been happening in my life.

My dear friend Gary passed away about a month ago. My heart still hurts. He was like a father to me and he was very close to my dad. As I hung out with his family and tried to be an encouragement, I remember thinking "How can I help when I am a wreck myself?" Then a week later my grandmother died also. When I heard the news, I thought maybe my heart would just stop or pop out of my chest from being so swollen. Loss is a hammer that hits so hard and so deep. I had a few days of dark despair and suffering...but you know what? It was amazing.

My awesome Savior, like only the Great Comforter can, wrapped His love around me and held on tight. Healing is an amazing thing. Not only has the God of the Universe created our bodies so that our tissues and bones can heal, He also knows our deepest pains and soothes our heart wounds.

I have certainly found myself in a few situations that I was not sure just how I would handle. But the Lord worked in amazing ways. So interesting, I wanted spectacular, he gave me great pain. He allows me to see Him at work so much better when I am not just thinking about myself and what I want.

You know what? I experienced His glory in a way that I have not seen it before. In such an eternal and resolved light. God's glory...yup. That is the kind of amazing that I want in m life.

Some favorite wedding photos...

Philosopies, Theories, and Me

Ahhh! I am so tired of philosophers. I really am. Sorry Plato, no intention to offend. But if I hear one more person talk about life as if it is a theory, I might shoot myself. Or better yet, them. : ) (I am not normally this violent.) Here's the deal. LIFE IS NOT A THEORY. I can reach out and touch things, I can breathe in and out, I live in a tangible and very REAL world...that is part of an even bigger universe. I am not in any way discounting the spiritual realm that we also live in. I want to be clear in that.
But I am tired of modern day philosophers. We see them everywhere. Colleges are infiltrated with them, our churches host them at our pulpits, we listen to them and get all emotional and stirred when then lead our bible studies...they are everywhere. What do they do? They talk about ideas as if an idea is the root and end of all things. They treat the Kingdom like it is some experiment that can be hypothesized about and put into a test tube. They talk talk talk talk talk about what we should do and be and who God is and says that we are. A lot of the things that they say are true, biblical, and "sound". But they are still just theories if no one lives them out. Right?
We are to be hearers and DOERS of the word. Our ideas are NOTHING if they do not push us to action. And I fear that our lives are just becoming this big spiritual pep rally, but we never get out there and play the game. Does anybody hear me? I mean can anyone relate to this?
I do not mean to say that I am not privy to all these things. I am just as bad. I will sit around and talk about what we are going to do for the Lord and who we are going to be and how we out to be full of passion, intention, and other things. It's like I sit there and read the word and have awesome talks with God and know exactly what I need to do...and then go on with my day like none of that happened. Sometimes I feel like I am this awesome, advanced, polished, well-made, pair of running shoes that just sits on a shelf somewhere collecting dust. But they are good in theory right?
Ug. I am so tired of being a philosopher.

Not Long Here

"I've got my memory. Always inside of me...created for a place I've never known. This is home." Jon Foreman is the man. I will always say this. His writing for Switchfoot has caught me off guard many times. Tunes that come off as "catchy", become something I am quickly, and completely "caught up in."
That was only a preface to my main point. I have written about this before, and I still believe it. God works in circles in my life. He brings it all back around and will again and again. He really drives things home with me. Each time I learn the same core lesson, just in a deeper and more beautiful way.
This one started by reading "The Weight of Glory" by C.S. Lewis. I learned more about, and Lewis perfectly captured, this longing in my heart that could not be explained. I know it is for heaven's streets and the Lord's face. I was not made for this earth. I am a stranger here. I want to be home.
Next was the song "Home" by Switchfoot. I cried the first time it graced my radio and immediately became obsessed with this song that everyone else seemed to deem "simple" or "not that deep". My heart understood every word and I knew that Jon Foreman must have read a lot of C.S. Lewis.It has become one of my theme songs.
Alas, I am listening to Brooke Fraser the other day and she has a song called "C.S. Lewis Song". The bridge repeats "We are not long here" and she sings of being made for another place. That phrase has been in my head for days... and the circle comes back around again.
Lord, thank you for the reminder. Thank you for knowing my heart and the exact circumstances I am in. You always send me just what I need. And thank you for using the writings of this man from the past to remind me of my eternal future. I am not long here.

Married Stuff

Things I learned from being married...thus far:
1. Teeth need to be brushed more frequently.
2. Since we are one now, I can't get away with being in an invisible bad mood. What is that you ask? I used to be able to be outwardly gleeful but inwardly cynical when I woke up on the "wrong side of the bed". Now...He knows.
3. I am pretty selfish and overbearing.
4. He likes me just the way I am.
5. He has opionions too : ) Like where to put couches and stuff.
6. Having someone else in your bed takes getting used to.
7. God really likes to give us good gifts! I am so thankful for my husband!